Finding Lucifer aka Emo Nemo
by Elephantian
Summary: Marlin's gay?  Dory's a bird?  Nemo is thinking lustly thoughts?  What other chaos will ensue in this crazy, insulting Finding Nemo spoof?  WARNING: DO NOT READ IF EASILY DISTRUBED OR INSULTED.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
1. Prelude

**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. THIS STORY IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. IDEAS DISPLAYED IN THIS FANFIC ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF THE AUTHORS.**

**Prelude**

**Date: Yes please with casual….I mean 6/6/06**

Marlin: Aw, look at all of them! I can't wait for them to hatch! We're going to be parents! We should name this one Ingrid! And this one Jebediah! And this one Lucifer!

Coral: STOP USING FRICKIN EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marlin: Hypocrite.

Coral: Anyway, those names suck scales.

Marlin: Like musical scales?

Coral: I can't believe I married you. What are you covered in?

Marlin: …algae?

Coral: NO! The stuff underneath the algae. It's the equivalent to human skin.

Marlin: Oooooooooh, I get it.

Coral: Okay, we're not naming our kids Ingrid or Jebediah, though I'm quite partial to Lucifer.

Marlin: Well, what do you think we should name our kids then?

Coral: How about Nemo?

Marlin: Nemo? That's omen spelled backwards! That has to be some kind of bad luck.

Coral: Well, I like the name Nemo, so suck it up!

Marlin: We're not naming them Nemo! And what's wrong with Jebediah?

Coral: WE'RE NOT AMISH!!!!!

Marlin: Then what's wrong with Ingrid?

Coral: WE'RE NOT SCANDANAVIAN!!!!!

Marlin: So what? We can be multicultural!

Coral: Listen bub, I BIRTHED THESE FRIGGEN EGGS AND IT WAS THE MOST AGONIZING PAIN KNOWN TO FISH-KIND!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE GOING TO NAME THESE KIDS WHATEVER THE MARINA'S TRENCH I WANT TO NAME THEM!!!!!!

Marlin: Meep. Okay.

Coral: Oh, look, a barracuda!

Marlin: A barracuda? That rhymes with maraduda!

Coral: I wish you'd have married a duda.

Marlin: Well, it was between you or Gill, and even though Gill was probably my true love, I really wanted biological kids.

Coral: So you don't love me?

Marlin: No, I'm sorry, my heart still lies with Gill and his rock hard ways.

Coral: I'm heartbroken and will now be forced to kill myself out of grief! I SHALL NOW SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR MY CHILDREN WHO WILL GROW UP WITH A JERK FOR A FATHER!!!!

Barracuda: So, hey, uh, can I eat any of you?

Coral: TAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barracuda: Can do, but I have to eat some of your kids too.

Marlin: OMG THAT TOTALLY RHYMES!!!!

Coral: Oh, even better!

Marlin: Hey, could you at least knock me out so I don't have to see this?

Barracuda: Sure thing. -knocks out Marlin and starts eating-

Marlin: -wakes up- Phew, that witch fish is gone and now I can marry my true love- Gill. Wait, no! Ingrid! Jebediah! LUCIFER!!!!!!!!!!!! -rushes to see if any of his children survived-

Egg: Save me! Save me!

Marlin: I'm a mother! I'm a mother!

Egg: Daddy!

Marlin: No, say Mommy!

Egg: Daddy!

Marlin: Oh, screw you. Well, at least I won't have to answer any awkward questions about my sexual preferences at the adoption agency. Now, what to name you? What did Coral like again? Okay, Nemo, Omen, Lucifer or Damien. Well, she didn't like Damien, but I do. Oh! I know! I dub thee Nemomen.

Egg: But you can just call me Nemo.

Marlin: That works. Hey, what's this weird mark here instead of a fin? It looks like 666…

Egg: -evil voice- I AM LUCIFER, KING OF THE UNDERWORLD!!!!!!! I HAVE COME TO YOU THROUGH THE MORTAL NAMED DAMIEN!!!!!!!!

Marlin: No, idiot child! Your name is Nemomen, SO GET USED TO IT!!!!!

Egg: Sorry…


	2. Ooo, Kinky

**By the way we don't own Finding Nemo. It's going to start getting pretty weird, so brace yourselves.**

Nemomen: Come on Dad! First day of school!

Marlin: Nemo, since when do you call yourself Nemomen?

Nemo: Oops, never. IT'S NEMO YOU STUPID AUTHORS!!!!

Authors: Sorry.

Nemo: Good. Now come on dad! I don't want to be late for my first day of EXORCIST SCHOOL!!!!!

Marlin: -wipes tear away from eye- That's my boy. Following in my finprints.

Nemo: That's nice, dad. Now let's go to Exorcist School!

Marlin: Meh, whatever.

Nemo: -Upon arrival finds a wooden stake- Oooh…

Priest: You're not ready for that, novice. I am a priest, as the authors so bluntly noted in my title, but you may call me Father Ray. Now, tell me your name.

Nemo: N-Nemomen…

Father Ray: Interesting… I should totally be suspicious now.

Nemo: My daddy named me.

Father Ray: -glares at Marlin- Is that so…?

Nemo: Why yes it is. I said that not even five minutes ago.

Father Ray: And why didn't your mother name you?

Nemo: Because my mother committed suicide and killed all my brothers and sisters. Daddy says that's called an abortion.

Father Ray: I see. What else does your father say?

Nemo: That he finds the guys at the bar very attractive and they make him horny. One of them is named Gill. Daddy likes to yell his name at night.

Father Ray: I see. Well, despite the fact everything that happens in your family is against our principles, WELCOME TO EXORCISM SCHOOL!

Nemo: Yay!

Tad: Hey, you have a funny birthmark instead of a fin.

Nemo: I know. My dad and I call it my lucky birthmark.

Pearl: It kinda looks like a 666.

Sheldon: Hey, don't three sixes pop up when you win the slots at the casino?

Pearl: No, that's 777, idiot. 666 is the sign of the devil. Devil child, ARE THE YOU THE DEVIL????

Nemo: No, my name is Nemomen, but you can call me Nemo. But I have visions of fire-y places sometimes.

Tad: That must mean you'll be a cook someday!

Nemo: But the entire thing is covered in fire.

Tad: I never said you were going to be a good cook.

Father Ray: Come young novices! Let us learn! Now, who can recite the seven deadly sins? No one? Well, let's recite them! In English!

All: Lust! Gluttony! Greed! Sloth! Wrath! Envy! Pride!

Sheldon: Catholic virtues!

Father Ray: No, the authors misread the note on Wikipedia, it's just those other ones we named. Okay, NOW IN LATIN!

All: Luxuria! Gula! Cupiditia! Pigritia! Ira! Invidia! Superbia!

Father Ray: Good job young novices!

Pearl: Where did you find this, Father? 

Father Ray: Wikipedia, of course! I just mentioned that, you dimwit! Oh, the joys of the internet!

Tad: Hey, Nemo! You see that rock over there?

Nemo: Yeah.

Sheldon: That's -hushed voice- the sinners' rock.

Tad and Pearl: -gaspeth-

Sheldon: I dare you to think lustly thoughts about it!

Nemo: Okay! -thinks hard-

-Others sneak away while he thinks lustful thoughts-

Scuba Stan: I seem to have misplaced my net. This spare condom in my pocket shall work to catch this masturbating fish. -catches Nemo-

Nemo: -Still thinking and finally realizes he is now in a condom- At least it's safe in here! Ooh… kinky.

Marvin: -Off to pick off his son from Exorcism School- Lalalalala…

Nemo: Hi dad! I'm very safe in here!

Marvin: But… but you're only-

Nemo: I know, I'm only… -checks birthmark- Dad, what's 6 times 3?

Marvin: Wait, why did my name randomly become 'Marvin'?

Authors: Sorry!

Marlin: Ah, there we go. And Nemo, why do you need to know what 6 times 3 is?

Nemo: Because doesn't my birthmark tell me how old I am?

Marlin: No! Nemo, you're only three!

Nemo: Oh… Where's that birthmark?

Marlin: You only have one!

Nemo: Ok. Well, BYE DAD!!!!

Marlin: Nemo! I'll find you! -chases after Scuba Stan- -bumps into black fish-

Black Fish: Ugh, what do YOU want?

Marlin: Have you seen a boat go by?

Black Fish: I see a lot of things, but nobody ever cares about what I see.

Marlin: Well I care.

Black Fish: FILTHY LIES!!!!!!!!

Marlin: Whatever, I'm never going to find my son. Anyway, what's your name?

Black Fish: Raven.

Marlin: That's a bird name! What's your real name, imposter!?

Raven: It's…Dory. –gags- My parents were clownfish, I'm adopted.

Marlin: I'm a clownfish!

Dory: Just…let me go die. Hey, why aren't the authors calling me Raven? MY NAME IS RAVEN DAMMIT!!!!

Authors: Because we're the authors and we can do whatever we want! And just to make things less confusing, you're going to be Dory.

Dory: Fine, but you better let me die at the end. Or at least try LSD.

Authors: Well, we'll think of something.

Dory: Good enough.

**BACK WITH NEMO**

Scuba Stan: There you are little fella.

Nemo: Where am I? Where am I?

Mysterious Fish: -in a cool, seductive British accent- You're in a dentist office. You're in a dentist office.

Nemo: Why are you repeating yourself?

Mysterious Fish: Well, I had to answer both of your questions. You…you look like my ex-lover. I demand to know your name!

Nemo: Why, my name is Nemomen, spawn of Marlin, the clownfish.

Mysterious Fish: Martin is your foxy, she-male father? I envy you.

Nemo: No, my dad's name is Marlin, not Martin.

Mysterious Fish: Martin was his gigolo name, but I called him Marla when he felt like being the female in the relationship.

Nemo: Dad was a…complicated individual. Who are you anyway?

Mysterious Fish: I am Gill, also known as Gillian.

Nemo: Oh, so you're the guy my dad moans about in the middle of the night seductively!

Gill: Why…Martin still remembers me?

Nemo: I guess so.

Gill: Well, our relationship was a passionate one. I'm not surprised he still remembers. It seems like just yesterday we were getting frisky…

Nemo: AH!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT MY DAD'S SEX LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

Gill: Wait, if Martin was gay how did you come to be, young Nema.

Nemo: Um, it's Nemo.

Gill: But I feel like being the male today.

Nemo: WHAT????

Gill: Never mind, just answer the question.

Nemo: WELL----

Random Yellow Fish: BUBBLESBUBBLESBUBBLESBUBBLESBUBBLESBUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nemo: …?

Gill: That's Bubbles. He's a little drunk right now.

Nemo: Okay then…

Gill: You are in… the anti-Ocean. Also known as the Aquarium. Also known as… Home.

Deb: Hi, I'm Deb. Even though she's not here, Flo is in this aquarium somewhere, usually near the edge. We're lesbian lovers and we like to make out passionately when no one's looking. What's your name?

Nemo: Well that was blunt. And I'm Nemomen, but you can call me Nemo.

Deb: But Nemomen is so much cooler! I'm calling you Nemomen.

Nemo: Whatever.


	3. Like, Deja Vu Dude!

**BACK TO DORY/RAVEN AND MARLIN/MARVIN/MARTIN/MARLA**

Marlin: You know what your problem is?

Dory: I have a lot of problems.

Marlin: You're always so sad! Here's a little song that my lover taught me when I was feeling blue.

_Some things in life are bad  
They can really make you mad  
Other things just make you swear and curse.  
When you're chewing on life's gristle  
Don't grumble, give a whistle  
And this'll help things turn out for the best..._

And...always look on the bright side of life...  
Always look on the light side of life... 

If life seems jolly rotten  
There's something you've forgotten  
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.  
When you're feeling in the dumps  
Don't be silly chumps  
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...  
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd  
And death's the final word  
You must always face the curtain with a bow.  
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin  
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

Dory: Well…

_So always look on the bright side of death  
Just before you draw your terminal breath_

Life's a piece of shit  
When you look at it  
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.  
You'll see it's all a show  
Keep 'em laughing as you go  
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

Marlin: Wow, you're too morbid.

Shark: Well, before you can resume singing, I'd like to extend an invitation to a party.

Marlin: Um… maybe? 

Dory: A party? Will there be a dark, depressing poetry?

Shark: Oh yeah, right my frat brothers?

Shark 2: Yeah… totally…

Shark 3: -Nods head-

Dory: Good, we shall come to this haven.

Marlin: I've got nothing else to do besides.

Dory: I thought you were going to find your heir to darkness.

Marlin: I thought you had short-term memory loss.

Dory: I never said that.

Marlin: But I could have sworn you did…..

Dory: Well I don't. That's my cousin. Whatshisface.

Marlin: Okay then. So where is this party?

Shark: AT OUR FRAT HOUSE DUUUUUUDE!!!!!!

Shark 2: AND DUUUUUUUUDETTEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Shark 3: Totally….dude.

Shark: Alright. TO THE FRAT HOUSE!!!!

**At the Frat House**

Shark: Okay. My name is Bruce. Aka Brustah. And I have not had a drink in…FIVE WHOLE MINUTES!!!!!

Sharks 3 and 2: OH THE HORROR!!!! -start chugging down beer- WE'RE MONSTERS!!!

Brustah: Okay my brothahs from anothah mothah, you're up next.

Dory: My name is Raven.

Marlin: No it's not! Her name is Dory.

Brustah: Dory, my new frat sistah, you will be known as….Dorystah. These are my other frat bros ….something 'stah'. It's hard to keep track of names when you're too busy being cool like me.

Dory: Well. My name is RAVEN, not Dory or Dorystah. Whatever. And I haven't had something to drink since I started doing ketamine.

Shark 3: Isn't that a date rape drug?

Dory: That makes sense…… I'm never going to a rave again. Wait, I think that means my little sister isn't actually my little sister. She's….ah screw it I don't care.

Marlin: I have a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a standing in the road.

Brustah: Wait. It's all coming together. You're that fish at the rave. The one that I…did unmentionable things to.

Dory: Wait. It's YOU! You're the reason I'm like this. Why I became…GOTH! You're the father of my unborn child!

Brustah: You're pregnant? Well…we can start a family together.

Dory: It's too late I already had an abortion.

Brustah: I NEVER AGREED TO THAT!!! –starts chugging down beer-

Shark 2: Chillax my bro. With an abortion comes no commitments! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL ABOUT DUDE!!!!!

Shark 3: Be above the influence, Brustah! You can do it!

Brustah: No I can't! I lost my unborn child! –continues chugging down beer-

Marlin: Um, Dory, I think we've overstayed our welcome.

Brustah: I'm at the rave again. Wait, again? I've never been here before. Who I am I talking to? Oh well. Oooh, look at that sexy fish over there. Meeeow. I want, no, NEED, a piece of that.

Dory: Um…

Shark 3: Oh no this can't be happening!

Marlin: What's happening, Shark 3?

Shark 3: All of the beer has sent Brustah's mind back to the time he did dirty thing to this black fish over here.

Marlin: Wait... –cheerfully- DID YOU SAY SOMETHING???!!

Shark 3: You two better get out of here or bad things are going to happen. BAD THINGS!!!

Marlin: Been there, done that.

Brustah: Come here, you little sexy fishy. I wanna take a bite out of you.

Dory: Oh not again.

Shark 2: Like, DÉJÀ VU DUDE!!!!

Brustah: Wanna suck my fish stick?

Dory: Already did that, remember?

Brustah: I don't want a bite this time. I want the whole fish taco.

Marlin: Okay, we go, NOW!

Dory: Hold on, the buzz is fading.

Marlin: There's time for drugs is not now.

Brustah: MY NAME SOUNDS LIKE ROOSTER!!!!

Shark 2: Roosters dude!

Shark 3: How do you know about roosters? We live in the ocean.

Shark 2: I read sometimes in my free time, dude. The Cat in the Hat… classic. War and Peace… not a favorite, but still good. A Midsummer Night's Dream… it really spoke to me. No seriously. It was all like 'dude, READ MEEE!!!'

Marlin: -edges out of frat house-

Dory: -follows reluctantly-

Brustah: Where you goin', honey? –hic- The party's just begun! –teeters back and forth- Do you wanna –hic- taste my tartar sauce? –licks lips… seductively as you can get while being drunk-

Dory: Ew.

Brustah: Taste it! –starts waddling after her and Marlin-

Marlin: Oh no! We've come to a corner! WE'RE TRAPPED! Oh look, words on the wall! I wish I could read! SHARK NUMBAH TWO! WE NEED YOU!

Shark 2: Sorry dude, reading The Odyssey. Odysseus is my homie O!

Dory: Oh, I can read. How else would I write poetry? That says… um… Es-capay. Sounds like French Cuisine. Hey, kinda sounds like… EXIT THROUGH THIS DOOR!

Marlin: Sounds like a plan.

Brustah: No, wait, SOULMATE!!!!!! I have no choice but to kill myself.

Shark 2: No, no, no. This is not at all like Romeo and Juliet. She doesn't even love you!

Brustah: For the sake of good literature, we'll pretend she does.

Shark 3: TO THE APOTHECARY!!!!

Shark 2: Wait, how did you know that? I thought only I read it!

Shark 3: I saw the movie. LEONARDO DICAPRIO IS SEXXXXY!!!

-all the sharks randomly disappear…TO THE APOTHECARY!!!!!-

Marlin: Well, now that we're done being sidetracked, we can go back to finding Nemo. Hey, finding Nemo… That would make a really good title of a movie.

Dory: Nobody would go see it. We're FISH! Nobody cares about us unless we're sitting on the dinner plate.

Marlin: But no one eats clownfish!

Dory: That's just what they show you on television.

Marlin: You know, this scene has been going on a really long time. I think we should cut back to Nemo and Gill.

Dory: What the hell…

Marlin: Oh, never mind.


End file.
